Game of Thrones is a serious show, and we are serious people. In this series, we recap each new episode with the deep, dark, grim-faced seriousness it deserves. Seriously.
This week: “Eastwatch,” the fifth episode of season 7. No fooling. Violators will be frowned at.
This week, we begin where we left off: just outside King’s Landing, where Ser Bronn of the Blackwater emerges from the depths of the river like a hairier Little Mermaid. Somehow, he’s managed to swim pretty far away from the charred remains of the Lannister army and drag Jaime with him. There’s a lot of protein in the rat stew they serve in the slums of Fleabottom. Bronn is all gains.
If Jaime were not the ungrateful, economy-crashing baby boomer that he is, he may have thanked Bronn for saving his life. Instead, he bitches Bronn out for pushing him into the river in the first place.
“You’ve made my armor all wet and dirty,” he laments. “How dare you? This breastplate costs more than your house!”
Bronn gets up and storms off.
“I’m kidding!” Jaime calls after him. “You don’t even have a house!”
Meanwhile, Daenerys Targaryen, Tyrion Lannister and the Dothraki army have rounded up all of the Lannister soldiers who were fortunate enough to survive her attack. “Draw me like one of your French girls,” says Drogon, who is posing provocatively on the hillside.
Dany explains to the assembled soldiers that she is a pacifist who has come to Westeros to bring peace and prosperity to its people. She doesn’t want to kill or maim anyone, merely end the regime that has steamrolled so many of the smallfolk of Westeros for centuries. Pay no attention to the smoldering wreckage behind you.
“Also,” Dany casually adds. “If you don’t support me, I’ll burn you all alive. You can always count on me to give you options.”
She then calls forth Randyll Tarly and orders him to swear loyalty to her.
“I’m not a goddamned kneeler,” says Randyll, who is an active contributor on Reddit Freefolk. “What I am is a goddamned racist.”
“I was born on Dragonstone, and I am literally the whitest person in this show.”
“I once sent my eldest son into lifelong exile because he likes to read. You can’t depend upon my logic.”
“But Cersei is a terrorist,” says Daenerys, while the ashes of the men she roasted to death swirl through the air above their heads.
Lord Tarly merely shrugs. “Better the terrorist you know.”
Dany, who didn’t come here to murder, decides to murder Randyll for his insubordination. His son immediately insists that he be killed too, as he can’t bring himself to go against his father.
“Wait,” says Tyrion, before Daenerys can kill them both. “There’s this fan theory that says he’s going to marry Sansa Stark, and I’m interested in seeing where–“
“I forgot that I was still keeping you around,” Daenerys replies, then looks to the younger Tarly. “What’s your name, kiddo?”
“I am Rick–I mean, Dickon Tarly of Horn Hill.”
“Holy shit,” says Daenerys. “With a name like that, it might actually be kinder to kill you.”
Back in the Red Keep, Jaime pays Cersei a visit. “Congratulations, Daddy!” says Qyburn as he passes Jaime in the corridor, but Jaime ignores him because this ‘daddy’ phenomenon on social media is creepy, gross and getting way out of hand. And that’s coming from a man who does the horizontal hula with his twin sister on a regular basis.
Despite the knowledge that Daenerys has starved the city and thrown a large number of Lannister men on the barbie like so many shrimp, Cersei takes the news of her loss rather well. Because all the gold they stole from Highgarden made it safely into King’s Landing, she’s got a fresh line of credit from the Iron Bank, and she’s confident that she can hire enough soldiers from Essos to overpower and defeat Daenerys.
“You don’t understand,” says Jaime. “I’ve seen the dragon. I’ve looked into his eyes.” Sorry, Braime fans. Jaigon 2017 confirmed!
Jaime goes on to tell Cersei that they’re screwed, and that Tyrion, who Cersei accused of murder and effectively chased into the arms of their newest enemy, did not commit the crime for which he was convicted.
“It’s funny, really,” says Jaime. “You had him arrested on suspicion of killing a member of our family, and now, here he is, actively contributing to our eventual deaths.”
“Well, isn’t that ironic?” Cersei replies.
“Like rain on your wedding day?”
“Rain on your wedding day is bad luck, not irony,” says Cersei angrily. “Your obsession with Alanis Morissette is a constant thorn in my side.”
On Dragonstone, Jon Snow is in the middle of his daily clifftop brood when Daenerys swoops in on Drogon, who is so attuned to his mother’s unquenchable thirst for Jon that he advances on him like Usain Bolt heading for the finish line. Because Jon is a baller, he reaches out and gives Drogon a pat on the nose. “You’re pretty short for an epic hero,” says Drogon. “I mean, even comparatively, from a human’s perspective.”
Dany dismounts and Drogon flies off. She watches him proudly as he joins his siblings, whose names she has forgotten. It’s okay, though. She probably has them written down somewhere.
“My children are beautiful, aren’t they?”
“Er, yeah,” says Jon, wondering if Dany didn’t take enough folic acid or something because those are some ugly-ass kids she’s got. “How did things go with the Lannisters?”
‘I BURNED THEM ALL!’ Dany thinks, but nobody wants to let it all out there in front of their crush right away. Admitting to your penchant for burning people alive is like farting during dinner, or confessing an affection for Nickelback. “It was okay.”
“I don’t really approve of your burning food supplies to get power,” says Jon.
Dany regards him seriously. “Do you remember how you took Winterfell?”
Jon remembers. He remembers how the Boltons betrayed and murdered Robb. He remembers how they took Winterfell from House Stark. He remembers how Ramsay raped and beat Sansa. He remembers how Ramsay wrote to him at Castle Black and threatened to ride north and commit unimaginable atrocities if he didn’t hand Sansa back. He remembers how Ramsay murdered young Rickon, right in front of his eyes.
“I do.”
“This is the exact same situation,” says Daenerys.
Before Jon can call bullshit, they are interrupted by Jorah Mormont, who has arrived at Dragonstone to serve Dany once again. Because he’s no longer gross and contagious, she gives him a big hug.
Jorah sees Jon. “Who are you?”
“Daario’s replacement,” says Dany.
Jorah’s not even surprised. He should have known that this would happen. Every damn time.
At Winterfell, Bran Stark wargs into the local ravens and sends them flying beyond the Wall. They find the army of the dead easily because the whole lot of them are just standing there doing nothing. If you were wondering why every other character in the show can travel all over the place at the speed of light while the White Walkers seem no closer to the Wall than they were in season 6, it’s because they’re busy breaking the world record for the largest ever game of musical statues.
As soon as the ravens glide above the Night King’s head, he gives them a stern look, and they immediately scatter. “Goddamn drones, flying over the set when we’re trying to film,” he mutters. “We’ve only got an hour before we lose the light.”
Bran immediately regains consciousness and looks at Maester Wolkan, who drew the short straw that morning and has been tasked with standing guard and attempting to decode whatever vague, hipster nonsense Bran happens to spout today.
“Ravens. We need to send ravens,” says Bran.
“Oh, okay,” Wolkan replies. “Since you sent all the ravens away, how exactly am I supposed to do that? Shall I pull some out of my ass?”
It is possible that Wolkan’s time with the Boltons has left him a little on edge.
In Oldtown, Samwell Tarly is doing his chores when he wanders into the staff room and hears Professor Slughorn discussing Bran’s vision with the other maesters. “It’s probably not true,” says Slughorn. “Remember, Wolkan’s time with the Boltons has left him a little on edge.”
Sam quickly surmises that the Citadel has received word from Bran Stark that the White Walkers are just about to wrap up musical statues and move on Eastwatch-by-the-Sea. Sam does his best to convince Slughorn and his peers to inform the country of the impending danger.
“This is FAKE NEWS from the dishonest Dragon Queen to take vital forces away from the south. Sad!” says one of the maesters.
“I’ve seen them with my own two eyes,” says Sam.
“Nonsense,” Slughorn chimes in. “Voldemort can’t be back.”
Sam sighs impatiently. “I didn’t see Volde–”
“Glad to see you admit the truth at last!” Slughorn cries.
“Harry was called a liar, too,” murmurs Sam to as he leaves. “I hope the Night King Avada Kedavras you all.”
Back at Dragonstone, Tyrion and Varys discuss Daenerys over cocktails.
“So then I said, ‘don’t burn people alive,’ and she said, ‘yolo,’” Tyrion finishes. “It was funnier at the time. I guess you had to be there.”
“Should we be worried about the fact that we’re already having secret discussions about our queen’s love of setting people on fire?”
“Should I be worried that you’re drinking?”
“Which one of us will defect to Jon Snow first?” asks Varys. “Me, or you?”
“Considering your asexuality and my habit of falling for the wrong women? It’s not even a contest.”
Later, in Dany’s war room, Jon has received a letter from Winterfell.
“Dear Jon,” he reads aloud. “Bran and Arya are finally home. Both batshit crazy. Unable to find any drugs in Bran’s room but suspect he’s on harder stuff than the occasional special brownie. Arya may be wanted for murder in several states. The destruction of all humanity marches on Eastwatch-by-the-Sea. Oh, and nobody’s seen Ghost for months. Lots of love, Sansa xxx.”
With a sigh, he sets the letter down on the table. “I can’t have anything nice.”
In order to keep “Cersei” from wreaking any further havoc on the Seven Kingdoms, Tyrion suggests that Jon find proof of the existence of White Walkers to bring to King’s Landing and convince his sister to lay down arms in preparation for the Long Night.
“I’ll be happy to lead the charge,” says Jorah.
Daenerys is glad to hear it. “That’s nice, Jon– sorry, I meant Jonas. Jonah. Jorah, that’s it.” She pats him absently on the arm.
“You say your brother is a warg,” Tyrion says to Jon. “If you stop at Winterfell first, he can control some ravens and guide you safely through the northern realm, perhaps leading you to a location where there are only a couple of unattended wights walking around. You might as well reduce the risk if you’re going to–”
“I WILL GO WITH NO CONTINGENCY PLAN IN PLACE!” Jon announces. “AND TAKE ALL OF MY BEST MEN WITH ME.”
“I didn’t give you permission to do this,” says Daenerys.
“So what? You’re not my mother,” says Jon, his expression tortured and handsome. “I never knew my mother.”
Dany discreetly floods the castle.
Back to Winterfell, where Sansa Stark is hosting a meeting with the northern lords, who are throwing their toys out of the pram because that’s something they have to do roughly every 2.5 episodes. No wonder all of the Stark men are so miserable, if this is what they have to deal with on a regular basis. These assholes could suck the life out of you.
“Where is Jon Snow?” cries Lord Glover, feeling brave because Lyanna Mormont isn’t there to kick the shit out of him. “We need him now!”
“Why?” says Sansa. “Are you out of food? Is your castle under attack? Do you have an issue so pressing that it must be taken before the King in the North immediately?”
Lord Glover spits out his dummy. “No?”
Bronze Yohn Royce drops his rattle in his haste to speak up. “The guys and I were talking, and we all think that you should usurp your brother.”
While Sansa calmly explains that monarchs are not like toothbrushes, which need replacing every couple of months, her younger sister watches in silence from the crowd. Afterwards, she and Sansa take a walk through the castle. As soon as they reach Sansa’s bedroom, Arya angrily accuses her of plotting to take the north from Jon.
“I refused to usurp him, if you hadn’t noticed,” says Sansa.
“You didn’t refuse hard enough,” says Arya, who appears to be channelling Ellaria Sand and her daughters in terms of common sense, ESP being a lesser known skill of the Faceless Men. “You should murder everyone who disagrees with him ever.”
“Oh, okay, we’ll just fight off the White Walkers by ourselves, shall we?”
“Screw you and your sound logic,” says Arya, and storms out of the room.
“I guess the slumber party’s off,” says Sansa, tossing aside the friendship bracelet she’d made as a surprise.
In King’s Landing, Tyrion and Davos arrive at the shore and go their separate ways. Tyrion heads to the bowels of the Red Keep, where his old pal Bronn has arranged a secret meeting with Jaime. As for the Kingslayer, he turns up expecting a sword-fighting lesson, only to find his little brother waiting to speak to him.
“I deserved this for laughing at your impoverished lifestyle, don’t I?” Jaime asks Bronn, who makes his excuses and leaves.
“So,” says Tyrion.
“So,” says Jaime.
“It feels like our first meeting in years should feel a little less rushed and be a little more impactful than this, right?”
“It’s not your fault,” Jaime assures him. “The dragons are taking up, like, 50% of the screen time.”
While Tyrion meets with his brother, Davos pays a visit to the Street of Steel, where he happens upon Gendry. Gendry! GENDRY! Pardon me for breaking the fourth wall here, but holy shit! GENDRY. Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton Eye Gendry? I’M SO EXCITED. And evidently, I just can’t hide it.
As it happens, Arya Stark’s future husband has been hard at work since he sailed out of our lives at the end of season 3, building up a lucrative business of his own as a fully qualified blacksmith. He’s very happy to see Davos, who remarks that he visited several brothels in the city before he managed to find him.
“Why did you think I’d be in a brothel?” says Gendry.
“I didn’t,” Davos replies. “Anyway, since I left my daughter, Lyanna Mormont, at Winterfell, I’ve been lost without a kid to adopt, so I was wondering if—”
“I’M READY,” says Gendry. “MY BAGS ARE READY! MY BODY IS READY!” As is mine, Gendry. Hot diggedy damn.
“Don’t you want to have a think before you abandon your entirely livelihood?”
“My biggest customers are the Lannisters, who killed my father,” says Gendry, and pulls out his enormous hammer. Oh my. “They’re the reason why I never got any birthday cards. They’re the reason why I never had a Christmas with my dad. They’re the reason why he never took me to McDonald’s on access day. They’re the–”
“Weren’t you, like, 18 when Robert was killed?” Davos interrupts.
Gendry looks down. “Turn the knife, why don’t you?”
Davos takes Gendry to the seashore, where his rowboat awaits. As they pack Gendry’s meagre possessions and wait for Tyrion to come back from his meeting, they’re discovered by two goldcloaks. These guys were trained at the same academy that taught Sansa’s two guards at Winterfell…and the head of internet security at HBO. Probably. Let’s be real.
“We’re looking for a leaker,” says Goldcloak #1.
“I can assure you, this boat’s a sturdy vessel,” says Davos, before bribing the two to leave them be with 15 gold dragons apiece. It’s cool that D&D incorporated the backstory behind the Reddit leaks from last year into the actual script. Very meta.
The goldcloaks want to see what Davos has in the boat, just to make sure he hasn’t got Episode 7 stashed away beneath an oar, so Davos reveals two barrels of fermented crab meat, which everyone knows is the new Viagra. The goldcloaks are only too happy to allow this instance of drug smuggling to go unnoticed.
“Lucky for us that you were hoarding that homemade Viagra for the sake of the ruse,” says Gendry. Davos, who takes this stuff recreationally, doesn’t know what Gendry is talking about. Adopting stray kids and having a fun time with consenting adults is his jam. You can’t really blame him. He hasn’t seen his wife in about a decade. Whatever became of you, Mrs. Seaworth? Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton Eye Marya?
Things are looking up for Papa D and his new son when Tyrion arrives and is immediately recognized by the goldcloaks. Things are about to take a sour turn when, quick as a flash, Gendry brains the two guards with his hammer. His enthusiasm for killing Lannister men bodes well for his future romantic prospects.
Following his meeting with Tyrion, Jaime goes to see Cersei with the news that he met with Tyrion and discovered that Daenerys isn’t the only immediate threat to their safety. They also have White Walkers to contend with.
“We should probably just give up now,” he tells his sister. “I’m sorry, but our army can’t learn more than four moves.”
“It’s fine,” says Cersei. “We can delete an old move to make room for False Truce.”
It transpires that Cersei’s Rocket Grunts have been following Jaime around and informed her that he was meeting with Tyrion. She suggests that Bronn be punished for the unforgivable crime of facilitating a family reunion, which of course supersedes the service he rendered when he rescued Jaime from the jaws of certain death.
“It’s times like these,” says Jaime, thinking of Brienne of Tarth and her complete disinclination to conquer, burn or blow people up, “that I genuinely don’t understand why I’m with you.”
Cersei uses Pregnancy. It’s super effective!
Back on Dragonstone, Davos brings Gendry to meet Jon and advises him to keep the truth of his identity to himself. “If anyone asks, you’re a young Christian Bale,” he advises.
“Don’t worry, I won’t tell him that I’m ROBERT BARATHEON’S BASTARD SON, THAT’S ME!” bellows Gendry, as he and Davos draw level with the King in the North. “Our fathers were friends and we should be friends too.”
“I saw your father, once,” says Jon. “He never paid a blind bit of attention to me.”
“I met your father,” says Gendry. “He asked me strange questions about my mother and never bothered to tell me the truth about who I am.”
“They were so cool,” Jon agrees.
“I’m so glad that we have this one, solitary thing in common,” says Gendry happily.
“Isn’t there something you’re both forgetting?” says Davos. “Someone you’ve got in common? Someone special? Someone who means a lot to both of you?”
Jon and Gendry give Davos identical, blank-eyed stares.
“You know who I’m talking about,” Davos continues. “She’s a tiny little thing, dark-haired, never afraid to speak her mind. Fierce. Tough. Prone to losing her temper. She’s the person Jon loves most, and Gendry’s best friend in the world.”
Jon furrows his brow. “Lyanna Mormont?”
“I give up,” says Davos.
On the shore, the King in the North and his crew prepare to leave for Eastwatch, and Daenerys comes along to bid them all goodbye. She and Jorah share another warm moment.
“Farewell, my queen,” says Jorah. “I may see a million moons, but my love for you shall never diminish. The thought of your sweet face shall warm my heart on the coldest of nights.”
“Thank you, Jon,” says Daenerys, staring over his shoulder.
“Every goddamn time,” Jorah mutters.
After a long, hard slog at the office, Samwell Tarly returns to the apartment he shares with Gilly and Baby Sam, who doesn’t appear to have moved from that spot on the bed since the start of the season. Gilly has made impressive strides in her reading comprehension, but Sam’s had a hard day and just wants to relax with a beer. He thinks he might have a man flu coming on.
“Ooh, look at this!” Gilly cries, after, admittedly, treating Sam to a dramatic reading that the most patient of people would have a hard time swallowing. “An important plot point!”
“NO SPOILERS!” Sam bellows, before deciding that he’s had enough of higher education. He’s got a kid to feed, damnit, and is it worth taking out a $60,000 student loan when all he’s going to get out of it is an unpaid internship and a 0 hours contract at a Cheesecake Factory?
Filled with newfound purpose, Sam checks out a whole bunch of books from the Restricted Section with absolutely no intention of returning them or paying his late fees. That’ll show the establishment. Stick it to the man, Sam!
“Maester school dropout,” he sings, as he, Gilly and Baby Sam pull away from the Citadel in his cart. “No graduation day for you.”
Back at Winterfell, Arya is demonstrating the skills she learned in Braavos by following Petyr Baelish around the castle and putting very little effort into concealing herself. I mean, she’s got a stash of faces hidden away that would be ideally suited to such an endeavor, but sure, standing around in plain sight works just as well.
Soon, her reconnaissance mission takes her to the guest quarters, where she sees Littlefinger receive a letter from Maester Wolkan. “Lady Stark thanks you for this obvious deception,” says Petyr, before disappearing into his bedroom to hide it.
Once Petyr vacates his room, Arya breaks in. It’s pretty strange that she’d have to pick a lock in her own home. Doesn’t Wolkan have a master key, and wouldn’t she be perfectly within her rights to ask for it? What is logic?
A thorough search of the room is conducted, but proves mostly fruitless, as Petyr’s many scrolls mostly contain scribblings of Mrs. Sansa Baelish, as well as a rough draft of a book titled Climbing the Ladder: From the Fingers to the Throne. Arya has almost given up hope of finding anything incriminating when she tosses aside a checklist titled My master plan to split up the Stark children and decides to search his bed.
Sure enough, she finds the letter that Sansa wrote to Robb in season 1, hidden in a slit in the mattress. She is instantly furious. How dare Petyr vandalise his mattress when he is a guest in her home?!
Unfortunately, Arya isn’t aware that Petyr, tired of the children who are always after his Lucky Charms, takes his personal security very seriously. As she leaves his room, we see that he has been aware of her presence the entire time. “What a surprise,” says nobody whatsoever.
“You know you love me,” says Petyr, as he stands in the shadows and watches Arya walk away. “Xoxo, Gossip Girl.”
Godamnit, Arya. It’s this kind of writing that got you stabbed in season 6.
Jon and the his motley crew arrive at Eastwatch-by-the-Sea, where they meet up with Tormund Giantsbane, who has been doing a fine job of running things. After agreeing to accompany his bestie north of the Wall to aid him in the stupidest plan of all time, he takes everyone down to the dungeons, where Thoros of Myr, Beric Dondarrion and Sandor Clegane are languishing in a cell.
“Where are the rest of your gang?” says Jon, in reference to the other men who were hanging around with Beric and Thoros at the end of season 6. “Your numbers seem severely depleted, I mean, even objectively, from a convenience point of view.”
“They had prior engagements,” says Beric, looking shiftily at the camera.
Gendry is furious to see two members of the Brotherhood. “You sold me to a witch to be murdered!”
“You’re always throwing that in our faces,” says Beric.
“We wouldn’t even have done it if we’d known you’d be such a bitch about it,” says Thoros.
“#%!@ this &!#$!?% and a bag of #!¥%?!” says the Hound, for no real reason.
Tormund turns to Jorah. “I guess I’ll think of some weak-ass reason to hate you, if everyone else is doing it. Screw your dead father!”
“Your best friend is literally a former Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch,” points out Jorah. “Don’t you think you’re a hypocrite?”
Tormund doesn’t respond. He has no idea what a hypocrite is.
“£!#$%$*@,” says the Hound.
“How’s Arya?” says absolutely none of the four men who know, care about, and have reason to ask Jon if she’s, you know, alive.
“We’re going North of the Wall on a suicide mission,” says Jon.
“Just the four of you?” says Thoros.
“Us, and a bunch of random unnamed characters who will inevitably die, resulting in a believable death count that spares most of the rest of us,” Jon explains.
“I’ve just recovered from greyscale, Jon’s the hero of the story, Gendry’s just come back and Tormund is ginger, so we’re probably all safe,” Jorah explains.
“I have an eyepatch,” says Beric. “Am I unique enough to stay alive?”
“Enough of this &[email protected],” the Hound interrupts. “Are we &!#$!?% to the @£&!€$%# and @&#*€$!?@& with @&£?!# or not?”
Taking the Iron Throne
This week, I award the Iron Throne to …
Davos Seaworth
Oh, Papa Davos, you tasty silverskin onion, you. You bring Gendry back to me. You bribe hapless guards. You make witty observations and you’re the only member of Jon’s crew who isn’t stupid enough to go tearing beyond the Wall with a target you’ve painted on your own back. Can I adopt you as my father?
Honorable mentions: Gendry, Bronn, Samwell Tarly, and the Hound, simply for making a reappearance.
Chilling in Fleabottom
This week’s bottom-dwelling, bowl o’ brown-guzzling loser is …
The Entire Faculty of Hogwarts
I can’t put it into words how frustrated I’ve been by the attitudes of the maesters of Oldtown, especially Slughorn. Their laziness and ignorance in the face of imminent danger is truly reflective of modern society, and our collective habit of turning our backs on problems that don’t immediately present themselves in our front gardens. Sam gave them an eyewitness account of the danger faced by the entire country and they laughed it off, despite Slughorn’s own admission that Sam is a good kid, and perfectly sane, at that. No wonder this goddamn school can’t hold down a Defence Against the Dark Arts professor for longer than a year. They don’t deserve one.
Honorable mentions: Arya Stark because what the hell?!
Next week, we’ll be taking a look at “Beyond the Wall,” and quaking in our fur-lined boots.
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