opinion
In a nation that feels irrevocably divided, the world of science has uncovered something that might breathe a sense of unity (and a bit of fire) into our lives: a dragon.
Regardless of political party or ideology, we can all agree that dragons are awesome. I mean, seriously awesome. Like, “HOLY WOW, LOOK AT THAT FREAKIN’ DRAGON!” awesome.
So it was fortuitous for us all that paleontologists in Argentina recently uncovered fossilized remains of a massive dragon that soared through the Cretaceous period skies some 86 million years ago, presumably swooping down and chomping dinosaurs.
The flying reptile was as long as a bus, and the scientists who found the fossil dubbed it “The Dragon of Death,” which is – say it with me now – AWESOME.
Per a USA TODAY report on this winged beast: “The pterosaur, also known as Thanatosdrakon amaru, is believed to have predated birds as the first creatures with wings to hunt their prey. ‘The Dragon of Death’ is a combination of Greek words for death (Thanatos) and dragon (drakon).”
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How we wound up downgrading from Dragons of Death to stupid, normal flappy-aroundy birds is beyond me. Probably had something to do with the giant asteroid that slammed into Earth 66 million years ago and wiped out about three-quarters of life on the planet, including, I assume, all the awesome stuff.
Leveraging dragons to unite us
We know from the HBO series “Game of Thrones” and from movies like “How to Train Your Dragon,” “Pete’s Dragon” and “Raya and the Last Dragon” that we can easily set our differences aside to appreciate and cheer for dragons.
There may be no greater bromide for the masses than watching a giant, fire-breathing flying lizard spread its wings on the big or small screen and take off into the sky to save the day or barbecue bad guys – or both.
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So our path to domestic peace is clear: We need those scientists to head over to the Thanatosdrakon amaru fossil, scrape out a few strands of dragon DNA and build us some dragons.
Imagine the national harmony that would come with this slogan: “America – We’ve Got Freakin’ Dragons!”
Picture it. Dragon flyovers at NFL games in the fall. Dragons lighting up the sky on the Fourth of July. Dragons driving the Russians right out of Ukraine and back to Moscow with their keisters singed.
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Dragons are undoubtedly noble and wise creatures, so they would have a keen eye for justice. Their very presence – flying in circles around the nearest mountaintop or, in flatter parts of the country, the nearest water tower or a highway McDonald’s sign – would keep ne’er do wells in check, lest they feel the wrath of Thrundorr the Mighty or Ucklanna the Destroyer or Bob the Poorly Named.
Is it possible the dragons of America might occasionally devour an innocent person by accident or because that person looked particularly succulent? Absolutely. Is it possible that could happen more often than just “occasionally”? Of course.
But who among us wouldn’t risk becoming dragon kibble if it gave the people of this country a chance to come together and, in one excited voice, say: “These dragons are so cool I forgot why I ardently dislike anyone who disagrees with me!”
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Our path to unity is clear. We need one of our otherwise useless billionaires like Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos to launch an expedited dragon breeding operation. (We must also swiftly codify a law that prohibits Musk or Bezos from riding any of the dragons, as that would be both dangerous and insufferable.)
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There’s an HBO “Game of Thrones” spinoff called “House of the Dragon” debuting in August. That seems like an ideal target date for America to debut its first actual dragon and take a step toward everyone getting along better.
Far-fetched? Perhaps. But when it comes to ending our divisions, bringing dragons back is about as realistic an idea as anything else I’ve heard.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook: facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
