Everyone knows the reason why HBO’s Game of Thrones never had good sex scenes was that so much of the show’s budget had to go into recreating CGI blood splatter from all of the many dragon attacks.
When Game of Thrones was good, it was amazing, when it was bad, it gave us Grand Maester Pycelle half-naked with a woman at least 40 years younger than him.
With that image standing out clear and terrifying in the mind, let’s dive into the worst sex scenes from Game of Thrones.
You’re on HBO! Embrace the nudity!
HBO has always embraced full-scale nudity. And vampires. Which is why it was so disappointing that Game of Thrones was so fixated on men and the journey of their penises without letting the audience see them.
Thankfully, Theon Greyjoy (Alfie Allen) was one of the few characters providing equal-opportunity nudity, until that sad, dark day when he was forcibly castrated.
It was a castration honeytrap of sorts; Ramsay Bolton (Iwan Rheon) decided castrating Theon would be a great idea and decided to start off the process by coaxing him into a threesome.
What’s so frustrating is that we already knew Ramsay is the worst, based on his character and actions and personality; the audience did not need to be subjected to his Westeros version of a snuff film.
Khal Drogo and Daenerys and the murky issue of consent
We’re honestly doing our best not to include any scenes with muddled sexual intent (which is challenging since what feels like 37% of the plot of this cursed show involves sexual assault). But back in Season 1, Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) is trying to make her marriage work with Khal Drogo (Jason Momoa), much like any 13-year-old girl would when she’s sold into marriage.
To show how sexually enlightened she is now, the scene begins with Khal Drogo attempting to take her from behind before she takes charge of herself and her pelvic floor (#girlboss) and climbs on top.
Somehow, this is meant to be inspiring and sexy, because now she can make eye contact with him or something.
Daenerys and Jon Snow
Incest! This is incest! They are related!
This is the weird, creepy relationship between an aunt and her nephew several weeks before he stabs her in the gut!
In a scene that tonally made absolutely no sense and attempted to convey a loving, passionate sexual act between family members, Daenerys and Jon Snow (Kit Harrington) embraced their inner Jack and Rose from Titanic and got it on on a boat.
Even without the fact that they are related (which we cannot get over), the direction for the scene did not play out the way we imagine the director was going for. The lighting is poor, the blocking is static, and it is surprisingly short for a show that had significant plot events take place at a brothel.
Anything involving the Sand Snakes
We do not have any particular scenes in mind here, but that is only because we have spent so much mental energy trying to purge them from our minds and we’re worried googling it will only remind us of that horrible downward spiral that began in Season 4.
The eight daughters of Oberyn Martell (Pedro Pascal) are just like the seven dwarves, only stupid. Instead of lovable, hard-working curmudgeons, they are like the background dancers in a Whitesnake video that have been given weapons and literally no other character traits.
Ramsay and Myranda sitting in a tree, K – I – L – L – I – N – G
Anything including Ramsay on this list automatically fills our heart with dread, but there was a bizarre moment in Season 4 where Myranda (Charlotte Hope) was introduced as not just one part of the previous season’s castration threesome, but as Ramsay’s special lady.
She sets a pack of dogs on a scared girl and then later she and the Bolton bastard have very loud, very violent sex.
We understand any group of people that wear that much leather in their day-to-day lives probably experience a sexual Pavlovian response every time they take part in a murder, but as sex scenes go, it felt disjointed and muddied and useless to the actual plot surrounding Sansa Stark (Sophie Turner).
