Scroll below to read some truly laugh-out-loud tweets from some wonderful women.
Sometimes I pretend that the broccoli I’m eating is tiny trees and I’m a hungry giant walking through a forest yup I still don’t have a job
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) April 11, 2017
I 👏🏼 FEEL 👏🏼 STRONGLY 👏🏼 ABOUT 👏🏼 fuck is anyone still reading this
— not karley 🎄 (@Itskarleytime) December 13, 2017
“but you said your 5 mins away”
First of all I didn’t say where I’m 5 mins away from
— tina (@itstinatbh) October 16, 2017
Beyonce TOLD y’all to get in formation and y’all fucked around and now we’re dealing with this bullshit.
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) January 25, 2017
i’ve found if you say “well well well” as soon as someone sits down across from you, you immediately get the upper hand for about 2 seconds.
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 6, 2017
One *effective* way to fight the patriarchy is to call men named Brian “Bree-anne”
— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) October 25, 2017
*scrolls to the bottom of my feelings*
*hits Unsubscribe*— debby ryan (@DebbyRyan) December 5, 2017
Being alone in a strange town makes me want to do some real fucked up shit, like becoming a person who says “ciao”
— Jazmine Hughes (@jazzedloon) February 22, 2017
if you tell Dominos you’re crying on the kitchen floor they give you a 10% discount
— Audrey Xmas Porne (@AudreyPorne) September 1, 2017
What happens if it’s 2017 and don’t watch Game of Thrones? Do you get sent off to be a Handmaid for people who do?
— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) July 31, 2017
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
— Tinker Elle (@elle91) February 16, 2017
GOOD MORNING, I FEEL GOOD TODAY! SO MUCH SO THAT IM KIND OF SUSPICIOUS ABOUT IT!
— Brokey the Christmas Heaux (@brokeymcpoverty) December 4, 2017
Really wish I still wrote about boyfriends on the Internet so I could refer to them as Ofemily.
— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) June 8, 2017
White people be knowing every breed of dog but don’t know the difference between the Middle East and Pakistan
— Mahwish Quraishi (@MahwishQ) July 25, 2017
Not to brag, but at least six men have described me as “terrifying.”
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) January 2, 2017
Walk in the club like “Oops my mistake I did not realize this was a club.”
— erin whitehead (@girlwithatail) July 12, 2017
I heard they’re already working on a female reboot of the Comey hearing.
— Cristela Alonzo (@cristela9) June 8, 2017
Me: The world is a rotating dumpster fire filled with creeps.
Also me: IT’S TACO TUESDAYYYY— Nina Bargiel (@slackmistress) November 14, 2017
At the point where I’m just a sentient heavy sigh
— Caroline Framke (@carolineframke) November 16, 2017
Yes you should apologize for walking through a spider web because it makes you a home wrecker. Next question.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) March 21, 2017
if you’ve ever gotten an email from me longer than 2 sentences please know I worked on it for 3 hours
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) July 26, 2017
MY SISTER TEACHES CELLO
SHE REPORTS THAT HER NEW STUDENTS CALL SHARPS “HASHTAGS”
CONCERTO IN F HASHTAG
— Marian Call (@mariancall) September 6, 2017
Fuck you, ocean. If you have something to say, say it to my face instead of through a shell, you piece of shit.
— 12 Kims A Kimmin’ (@KimmyMonte) May 8, 2017
I killed a huge spider in my room and googled if it was dangerous. Found out the females eat males after mating & now I regret killing it
— Ali Vingiano (@alivingiano) January 8, 2017
Welcome to adulthood. Did you take your pill? Why did you walk in here? Who can remember? So much fun!
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) September 18, 2017
I got a bunch of dental surgery and while waiting for a cab to go home a dude catcalled me so I just let a ton of blood fall out my mouth
— questionable rat currency (@UnburntWitch) August 24, 2017
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) March 6, 2017
*wakes up* wow i need a nap
— keely falalalalaherty (@keelyflaherty) October 31, 2017
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
— A M A N D A C O N D A with the G O O D B U N S😍 (@mommywhitfield) July 22, 2017
‘Just In Timber Lake’ sounds like the slogan for a campground holding its annual swingers retreat
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) October 23, 2017
Can someone PLEASE explain to my manager that Buffy is leaving Netflix April 1st and so everything else will have to wait
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) March 9, 2017
do u ever think you see ur ex from far away & then you get closer & realize it’s actually a very sick pigeon eating a piece of chicken bone
— look what you did you little jerk (@morninggloria) October 18, 2017
I heard a little girl ask her mom for “party muffins” and I know she meant cupcakes but I don’t care I’m calling them party muffins from now on
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) November 6, 2017
I NEED TO KNOW WHY EVERYONE SAID I COULD SAVE MONEY BRINGIN LUNCH TO WORK ITS 9:43 I ATE THE LUNCH NOW I HAVE TO BUY ANOTHER LUNCH FOR LUNCH pic.twitter.com/hKd6p2AaiA
— beth mccoll (@imteddybless) July 3, 2017
reminder that no matter how much I love you I don’t answer google-able questions for anyone who is not a blood relative ☺️☺️☺️
— wikipedia brown (@eveewing) March 7, 2017
Sometimes I read Trump’s twitter & recall that for most of American history people were like, “women are too emotional to be president.”
— Jill Filipovic (@JillFilipovic) May 12, 2017
Mom: You can Netflix & Chill tonight.
Me *she doesn’t know what that means*
Mom: Invite someone from Match or Tinder
Me *she knows too much*— Allison Raskin (@AllisonRaskin) April 17, 2017
RT if you have a tote bag full of tote bags.
— Laura Silverman (@LJSilverman1) November 11, 2017
remember when twitter didnt exist and ur boss had no idea how late u were awake last night
— Julia Bush (@jabush) March 10, 2017
I’m incredibly calm in an emergency, but I just screamed at a photo I was tagged in on Facebook.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 13, 2017
COWORKER: there’s free beer
ME: ever see a sad lady get drunk at 3 on a Thursday?
COWORKER: what
ME: [cracks knuckles] you’re in for a treat— katefestivity (@katefeetie) September 7, 2017
[Presenting @ event]
Me: “Good evening. I’m embarassed to be here” Assistant whispering: “you’re happy…”
Me: “I’m happy to be embarrassed”— Mindy Furano (@MindyFurano) March 9, 2017
After all this bullshit is over, on whatever mountain is left, can we get a Mt Rushmore of 3 Elizabeth Warrens and a RuPaul
— Emmy Blotnick (@emmyblotnick) February 8, 2017
